If you can separate your need to heal something from your childhood with what’s happening now, you’ll be able to approach the problem in a way that feels better not just for you, but also for your husband and his parents. The important question in any relationship isn’t Will there be disagreements? It’s How good are we at repairing them? Few close relationships of long duration escape the reality that the people in it come into conflict from time to time. And second, coming into a marriage with the fantasy that things will always go smoothly with your in-laws set up that relationship-like any relationship with such high expectations-for failure. First, having a good relationship with your in-laws is nice, but it won’t heal your childhood wound only you can heal that (for example, through therapy). Vetting a potential partner not just for who he is but also for who his parents are might have felt safe to you-a way of protecting yourself from the kind of conflict that hurt you so much as a child-but it actually put you in a more precarious position, for two reasons. You say that it took you a while to find a partner, because you wanted to be with someone whose parents you got along with well. Many people experience differences with their in-laws over issues like control or perceived criticism, but I imagine that for you, these differences take on greater significance because of your childhood. I want to set clear boundaries with my in-laws but also have a great relationship with them. Many times I’ve found myself holding my tongue to keep the peace. I don’t want my daughter growing up to see us fighting about her grandparents, as I did with my parents. He says his parents would view this as a “slap in the face.”Īs much as I love my husband, I feel like the relationship I have with my in-laws is making this marriage difficult, because at the end of the day, he’ll choose his parents’ feelings over mine. I tell him that I’d be happy to move and rent if I would have more control over my life and my daughter’s. When I bring this up to my husband, he tells me that we need to be accommodating to his parents because they purchased the home for us and we’d be considered ungrateful. They want to see their granddaughter whenever it is convenient for them-not for us or when it’s best for our daughter. I realize now that this purchase came with a lot of strings attached. My in-laws purchased a home for us after the birth of our baby. He basically tells them something they did wasn’t nice, they acknowledge it and sometimes apologize, and then they make more unnecessary comments. My husband does not want to be stuck in the middle, and even though he’ll speak to his parents about this, nothing gets resolved, because he doesn’t push them for any kind of resolution. I am suddenly being judged for not being a good mom, for not having a job, for not losing my pregnancy weight fast enough. In fact, his family and I often joke that I married him because his family was so awesome.Īfter I gave birth to our daughter, everything changed. When my husband and I first met, his family was very kind to me. It took me a long time to get into a relationship I wanted to find someone I could get along with, but also in-laws I could get along with, because I grew up watching my parents fight about their parents all the time. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three.
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Editor’s Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small.